Archive | October, 2011

Fake Orgasms: Why They’re Never As Good As The Real Thing

20 Oct

Why in the world would anyone want to fake an orgasm? Are you trying to win an Academy Award from the bedroom? Doubtful. Some do it to get out of a bad sex session, think that it will please their partner, don’t want to hurt their partners’ feelings, or maybe the orgasm just wasn’t going to happen. You may think that it’s no big deal and that there isn’t any harm in doing so, but by perpetuating the lie, you are doing more harm than good. So if you’ve ever faked an orgasm, I’m here to tell you stop it!

When you fake an orgasm, you are telling your partner that what they are doing to you feels good. Odds are that they will remember what you “liked” the last time and pull that out of their bag of tricks the next time you decide to get down. If you don’t like the kind of magic they are wielding, you need to stop reinforcing them with your fake orgasms.

Do you have a tried and true tested move that you use on all of the ladies? Before you start to pat yourself on the back for the puddle like state that you always leave your partner in, consider that it may have been a performance. Everyone is not alike. What works for one person may not necessarily be the same for someone else. I imagine many of you are thinking “no one has ever faked an orgasm with me”, but I warn you to tread cautiously.

Aside from the porn-worthy moaning, what other cues let you know that she experienced an orgasm? Did her pupils dilate? Was a sex flush present? Did her nipples become erect? Was her pulse elevated? Could you feel her involuntary muscle contractions? Was she out of breath? Just some things to consider next time you think you’ve left your woman in ecstasy.

Ladies, I imagine many of you are not faking these orgasms out of malice and stroking you partners ego is always a plus, but don’t do it by being inauthentic in the bedroom. I’m not saying that you need to confess your fakes in the past, but consider talking to your partner about what you really like. Communication is the key to a better sex life. Speak up when things aren’t feeling the way you’d like. Better yet, show them where and how you like to be touched. Maybe you’ve had a lot to drink or you’re riding that plateau and just can’t get over and orgasm. That is fine too, as long as you let your partner know where you’re at. And where is the rule that says you must have an orgasm or else the job isn’t done? You don’t have to have an orgasm every time, it is perfectly OK not to.

No one wins when one person is staring up at the ceiling waiting for their partner to be done and the other is so desperately trying to please the other. Check in with your partner, be communicative, and above all, have fun. Sex is not supposed to be work, so stop with the acting and start with the enjoying.

Men don’t think that you’re off the hook. You also are guilty of faking orgasms for many of the same reasons, and others too, but that is another article. Happy Sex! And as always, everything is OK here.

Abstinence and Accidents: The Sexual History of Corn Flakes

15 Oct

For those who may not know me, Michigan is my home state. Despite not being a large state, we still are home to many companies that are based in our pleasant peninsula. In addition to being the automotive capital of the country, we are host to the global headquarters of the Kellogg Company, the producers and inventors of corn flakes. Now as innocuous as this breakfast cereal may seem, its history is one that is filled with ulterior motives and lucky breaks.

According to the Seventh-day Adventist Church, which incidentally has its origins in Battle Creek as well, a low fat vegetarian diet is recommended as per their teachings. Church member John Kellogg was a physician and superintendent of The Battle Creek Sanitarium. All of the patients there were required to adopt this diet consisting of mostly bland foods. He believed that consumption of anything spicy or sweet would increase sexual desires, which he was in staunch opposition to. Go abstinence! The thought behind eating bland foods was to curb sexual urges.

He and his brother, Will Keith Kellogg, began a whole grain cereal production company in an effort to help promote their belief in bland meals for health. And as the story goes, one day the two accidentally left some cooked wheat out because they had to deal with some issue at the sanitarium. When they came back, they saw that their cooked wheat had turned stale, but working with a tight budget, they couldn’t afford to throw it away. They processed the stale cooked wheat through the grain rollers and instead of one large sheet of dough like they thought they would get, they got flakes. They then toasted the flakes and began to serve them to their patients. It was an instant hit. John Kellogg later applied for a patent on his “flake process” and corn flakes were born.

So how does this tie into sex? As I mentioned before, Dr. Kellogg was an advocate for sexual abstinence and being a supporter of Sylvester Graham’s agenda, yes the graham cracker man, he believed that eating meals of boring, plain old, unsexy corn flakes would help alleviate suffers from their sexual urges. But in fact, the joke is actually on him.

Today in each serving of corn flakes there is 25% of your daily value of vitamin B2 (riboflavin), vitamin B6 and vitamin B12. These B vitamins are essential in blood flow regulation to our sex organs, the synthesis of testosterone, and maintaining optimal nerve transmission. Because of these vitamins, we can be assured that our genitals will be receiving the oxygen rich blood they need, we’ve got a healthy level of the sex hormone, and we can feel every little thing on our bodies and transmit those feelings into orgasm!

So many thanks to Dr. Kellogg for his invention of unsexy corn flakes, sheer luck, and his inadvertent promotion of our sexual health! Give a little smile while eating your next bowl and as always, everything is ok here.

Oh You Have Strep Throat? I Have Chlamydia

11 Oct

Let’s face it, being sick is never fun. You feel gross and you can’t go out with your friends because you might pass on your illness to them. This is the same whether you have strep throat or a sexually transmitted infection, or STI.

Both Strep throat and chlamydia are caused by bacteria, the Streptococcus bacteria and the bacteria Chlamydia trachomatis respectively. One is acceptable in society to say you have and the other is shamed and shunned because it is transmitted sexually. It’s nothing to be ashamed about, but it is something that you need to be responsible for, especially if you intend to play with others.

This article is going to give you a quick overview of what you can get and how they can be treated.

Chlamydia

According to the CDC, Chlamydia is the most frequently reported bacterial STI in the US. As I said earlier, it is a bacteria that can be transmitted through vaginal, anal, and oral sex. It is curable with antibiotics. Reduce your risk to exposure by using male latex condoms.         

Gonorrhea

Ah, the Clap. It is caused by the bacterium Neisseria gonorrhoeae. About 600,000 men and women each year in the US are affected says the CDC. It is also transmitted through vaginal, anal and oral sex. It is curable with antibiotics and to help reduce your risk, use a female or male latex condoms during vaginal or anal intercourse. While transmission through oral sex is rare, it is still beneficial to use some form of a barrier.

Hepatitis B

          Hepatitis is a virus and while it is a liver infection, three types of Hepatitis can be spread sexually; Hepatitis B is the most common. Usually we are inoculated with the Hepatitis B vaccine as a requirement to attend school. It is quite contagious and can be passed through semen, vaginal fluids, blood and urine. Protect yourself by getting vaccinated if you haven’t already and use a male or female condom during intercourse.

Herpes

          Herpes is a very common infection in the US. The most common form is oral herpes followed by genital herpes, more commonly known as just herpes. The symptoms may come and go, but you will always be a carrier of the virus. It can be acquired through common activities like touching and kissing but it can also be transmitted sexually via vaginal, anal, and oral sex. And, even if the partner has no symptoms! Herpes is especially contagious when there are open sores present. To protect yourself from getting herpes, use a condom to limit your risk for exposure. If you have active sores, planned parenthood recommends to abstain from any sexual contact until seven days after the sores heal because the virus can be spread to areas that are not protected by a condom. While there is no cure, you can help lessen your outbreak time and there are also medications to help reduce the number of outbreaks.

HIV & AIDS

          HIV is the abbreviation for the human immunodeficiency virus. It is this virus that causes people to get AIDS, or acquired immune deficiency syndrome. The virus can be passed through blood, semen, including pre-ejaculate, breast milk, vaginal fluid, and contaminated needles. Avoid using contaminated needles and do not engage in intercourse without a condom. Transmission through oral sex is debated because an open wound or sore is needed to come in contact with infected fluid. So unless you have a mouth wound or dental work recently, technically you are less likely to contract it, but, the transmission risk is still there. There is no cure for AIDS yet, but it is not a death sentence like it used to be. With medication, people can still live out full lives while managing their symptoms.

HPV

HPV stands for human papillomavirus. The CDC tells us that there are 40 types of HPV that can infect genital areas including the vulva, vagina, cervix, rectum, anus, penis, or scrotum. Some forms of HPV cause genital warts which are very contagious in their own right. HPV has also been known to cause cervical cancer, but by getting vaccinated against the virus, you can reduce your risk. It is transmitted through skin to skin contact so use a condom or a barrier like a dental dam to avoid exposure during oral sex and intercourse.      

Pubic Lice

          The species of louse that can inhabit the pubic region is Phthirus pubis, more commonly known as crabs. The lice can be spread from sharing towels with someone infected or coming into contact with their skin. They can be rid of by using medication that is usually in the form of a shampoo. Multiple applications may be necessary. And contrary to popular belief, shaving will not rid you of a crab infestation.

Syphilis

The bacterium responsible for this STI is Treponema pallidum. It is transmitted when there is direct contact to a syphilis sore and can infect the external genetalia, anus, rectum, even your lips and in your mouth! If caught early enough, within the first year, syphilis can be cured with a single dose of penicillin. Protect yourself with the use of a female or male latex condom.

Planned Parenthood and the health department offer free STI/HIV testing. Check in your town to find out where they are and get tested. It’s painless and it’s great to know, especially when you’re having the talk with a new play partner. For those of you who think that having that talk is a mood killer, imagine how bummed out you’d feel if you actually got something.

Be proactive, not reactive. And if prescribed antibiotics, ALWAYS remember to take your prescription all the way through! Don’t stop half way because you are starting to feel better, you don’t want to build up a resistancy to the medication and have something like antibiotic resistant gonorrhea!

This wasn’t written to spread doom and gloom. It was written to make everyone more aware of what can happen to you and how to be responsible for your sexuality. Be safe, be smart, have fun, and remember to always talk before engaging sexually with a new partner. Ask when the last time they were tested and if they had anything, ask if it has been resolved.

Many thanks to the CDC and Planned Parenthood for their facts. They are great resources to learn more about a specific STI, but in no way should be used in lieu of seeing a doctor! Happy safer sex! And as always, everything is OK here.

Am I Normal?

7 Oct

“Asking if you are normal is not an important question to be asking, but that is what the culture wants to valorize”

-Dr. Carol Queen, Sexologist and Author

How often are we plagued with the worry that we might not be normal? It is a common question that is not just posed in the sexological sense, but in everyday life as well.

According to Merriam-Webster, “normal” in the context in which many are concerned, is defined as “occurring naturally”. Despite the definition, normal is still a very loaded word. As we grow out of our youth, many of us realize that most of our concerns when we were younger are trivial now, but I think it is important to mention that sometimes is can stay with us throughout our lives.

If we consider what Dr. Queen said, it is no wonder that so many people have sexual concerns because society shows us what is normal and when they do not measure up, the self-doubt begins. I invite you to watch the short film Evolution by Dove. While this isn’t inherently sex related, it is still valid in showing that everyone we see in media does not necessarily look like that in real life.

So how is this related to sex? PORN! Porn is a depiction of someone’s fantasy and is not to be taken seriously. It is done with actors and not unlike the mainstream film industry; the actors come with their own department of make-up and hair stylists to make them look their best.

–         Breast implants

–         Labiaplasty

–         Vaginaplasty

–         Circumcision

–         Laser hair removal,

–         Liposuction

–         Butt lifts

–         Penis enlargement

These are just some of the many lengths people go to in order to make themselves feel better in a society that is weighted down with looks and performance. The question that I believe should be asked more often is “Am I healthy?” because that is of greater concern than to know if you look exactly the same as Billy Jones or Suzy Thompson

So here is a quick list of things that may be of a concern to you that maybe you’ve never had a chance to ask or have been too afraid to know the answers to.

***Penis – They come in many size, shapes, colors, and textures. The average erect penis is between 5 and 6 inches. Biologically they come with a foreskin but some people had theirs removed as a child for personal or religious purposes. If yours doesn’t look like the one in the porn you just watched, don’t sweat it.

***Vulva – Like penises, they too come in MANY sizes, shapes, colors, and smells. Yes, smells. To have a smell is normal, but there is not one smell you are supposed to have. Your own personal scent will change throughout your ovulation cycle and can also be influenced by what you eat. As long as you maintain basic hygiene with a mild soap or just water, you’re good. Just don’t douche! That is another post J Also, if your inner and outer labia are larger than one another no big deal. A great book for women, and men too, I highly recommend is Petals by Nick Karas. His beautiful photography shows what normal vulvas look like.

***Pubic Hair – Biologically, we are all born with the predisposition to grow pubic hair at puberty. If you decide to keep it, fantastic! Other people may choose to completely remove it, keep it trimmed, or even maintain different shapes or designs (ever heard of a landing strip?).

***Breasts – See penis and vulva variation. You’re fine! Saggy boobs? Some breasts are heavier than others and that has an effect with gravity and also as you age, your connective tissue breaks down. It’s all part of the process. Saw a stray hair? No worries, it’s normal. Leave it there or pluck it and move on. Nipple and areola size is very diverse as well and there is no right size, it’s just what is right for you.

I invite each of you reading this to take 5 minutes next time you are fresh from the shower to stand in front of a full length mirror naked. Look at your body. Focus on what you like and consider why. Don’t get stuck at looking at what you don’t like. Look at it, acknowledge it, and then move on. With the risk of sounding like a hippy, its time we stop judging ourselves on whether or not we are normal and time to start loving our diversity, because diversity is normal.

Thanks for reading and hope to see you back soon. And as always, everything is OK here.

First Post!

5 Oct

I have dedicated myself into maintaining a blog to share my journey through sex school, innovations in sex education, news in sexual health, and current sexual events. Thanks for reading and hope to see you here again!